Bill Cipher and Pinetree and Christmas, Oh My!
by MillionLights
Summary: [AU] The Pines family... and one demon-turned-human celebrate Christmas together. What could go wrong? [Written for the 2017 Christmas season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!]
1. Sometimes the Noise is Too Much

**Author Note: Okay, so I decided that I would also do a cute one-story-every-day (maybe) thing for the Christmas season. I might miss some due to exams and other junk, but I'll try my best to update every day! By the way, "This is a Problem" and these stories are NOT Bipper. They are Dipper/Human!Bill friendship.**

 **~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~**

 **Disclaimer: Gravity Falls does not belong to me. It belongs to Alex Hirsch, which is evident through the fact that Bill is a yellow triangle and not a really hot demon/human.**

* * *

DECEMBER 11, 2017

Bill was confused. What the heck was Christmas supposed to be about? Of course, since he had known everything in his former life, he had an inkling of what the holiday represented, but the Pines family was taking it way beyond what he had considered traditional.

In the gift shop and tourist area, for instance, Mabel had gone crazy with her glue guns and glitter buckets. The ceiling had somehow gone from wooden and brown to sparkly and pink. The whole floor was covered with rugs and the scent of gingerbread had permeated the whole house from top to bottom. The totem pole outside the shack had found a replacement in the 17-foot-tall pine tree that Dipper had found on one of his "forest adventures".

The once-sane interior of the living spaces had been robed in green and red. The stereo was constantly playing tasteless human songs that sounded like Jeff and his band of gnomes had tried to make it big, and Stan had even consented to wear a "festive" costume! Bill had observed all this and more take place and invade the perfectly fine space that the Mystery Shack had been.

Bill was beginning to go past the state of being confused and into the state known as irrevocable panic. For the past week, everything was too loud and too busy, and the former demon wasn't up to the task after spending centuries in the dead quiet Mindscape. He looked around hastily to make sure no one was around before opening the false vending machine and darting down to the basement. He unlocked the glass cell that he had once seen as his prison and ducked into it.

He crawled into the darkest corner and tried to make sense of Pinetree's stupid human holiday. It wasn't fair; Pinetree had tricked him into thinking that Christmas would be fun, but instead, Bill found it to be horrible and noise-filled, a large change from his perfect quiet in the Mindscape. So instead of participating in the fun festivities upstairs, the former demon huddled in a ball and let a small, bloodred tear drip down his face.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

Dipper was looking around for Bill. Even after Ford had gotten the demon under control, one could never trust him alone for more than five minutes, especially not in the weirdness-filled Mystery Shack. However, after searching for fifteen minutes and not seeing hide nor hair of Bill, Dipper was beginning to get worried. Bill was not one to be quiet, quite unlike Myker in that aspect. He always showed off and announced his presence.

Finally, after enlisting Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Ford, Mabel, and Soos to help with the search, Dipper knew where Bill was. Down in Ford's lab, in the glass case that used to serve as his prison. Dipper looked around quickly to see if any tourist was still there before punching in the code to open up the vending machine. He took the elevator down and immediately saw Bill huddled in the farthest corner of the glass case.

"Hey! There you are. We've been looking for you all afternoon! Come upstairs, Mabel's making cookies with edible glitter."

That's when Dipper noticed the red tear that was making its way down Bill's cheek. Bill never cried. If he was letting his guard down now, to let a tear slip, something must have been terribly wrong with him. Dipper made his way over to the glass case and unlocked it but didn't go in.

"Is there something wrong, Bill?" he asked, trying to keep the concern out of his voice. God, he sounded so pathetic, worrying about a former demon that had nearly destroyed the world, but Bill was his friend now.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

Bill looked up at Dipper's words. No, he wasn't alright. He missed the Mindscape and the blessed relief from the noise that it offered, and he was mad at himself that he let PINETREE of all people trick him.

"Go away," he croaked in a thin, reedy voice. "I don't want to see you."

Dipper looked at Bill with what had to be a little bit of sadness. _At least_ , Bill thought, _it's not pity. Pity is the worst, and I absolutely hate it._

Dipper shook his head slowly, as if the former demon was a slow child. "C'mon, Bill. Why don't you tell me what's made you like this?" Dipper asked aloud. "I'm sure that if you tell me what's going through your head right now, I can help to get you out of your funk."

Dipper looked away as Bill wiped the solitary tear from his cheek. "Fine, I'll tell you," he said. "But, only on one condition."

Dipper nodded, trying to be understanding of Bill. "What's the condition?" he asked. If it were Mabel or Grunkle Ford, he would have immediately agreed, but with Bill and Grunkle Stan, one could never know what they might ask of you.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

"If you promise not to tell another living being, I'll tell you what's been bugging me," Bill said, sniffing slightly. He was still confused, but not as much as when Pinetree was around. He seemed to have this weird power to instantly GET Bill's mind. And that was a hard thing to do.

He saw Dipper nod his head.

Dipper walked into the cell and closed it behind him. "Okay, buddy. Tell me what's been going on."

And Bill told him.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

An hour and a half after Dipper went down to the lab to search for Bill, the duo came up. Two hours and seventeen minutes, three arguments, nine shattered ornaments and one pot of hot chocolate later, the fire was roaring along and the Christmas tree had been decorated. Dipper (who using his hot chocolate as a hand-warmer), surveyed the room in satisfaction. Mabel wasn't in here, she had gone to bed and hours ago, but Grunkles Stan and Ford were engaged in friendly (kind of) game of poker. On second thought, it looked like that game might be getting a little heated; he would have to go break it up.

Just as Dipper went to rise and stop his Grunkles from landing themselves in the hospital for the third time this month, he remembered that he couldn't get up. This was because there was something heavy in his lap. And that heavy something liked yellow and sometimes glowed red when woken up suddenly...

So, Dipper tuned out his Grunkles' good-natured yelling and resigned himself to sitting by the fireplace with a demon on his lap.

* * *

AN: Okay, hoping that all we Dipper/Bill friendship shippers all enjoyed that... the next update will be tomorrow! I'm going to try to write these drabbles out ahead of time so that all I have to worry about is posting them... well, constructive criticism only! Thanks, MillionLights out!


	2. When I Think About it Seriously

**Author Note: Okay folks! Here's the next one-shot in this Christmas series that I decided to do on a whim! I might miss some due to exams and other junk, but I'll try my best to update every day! By the way, these stories are NOT Bipper. They are Dipper/Human!Bill friendship.**

 **~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~**

 **Disclaimer: Gravity Falls does not belong to me. It belongs to Alex Hirsch, which is evident through the fact that Bill is a yellow triangle and not a really hot demon/human.**

* * *

DECEMBER 12, 2017

Bill awoke to the smell of cookies drifting through the air, and the sounds of talking and footsteps. He threw off the covers of his makeshift bed and stumbled out of the glass box in Ford's lab that currently served as his bedroom. As he fumbled for the lock on the door, he started to unconsciously analyze the scent and the footsteps.

Maybe Mabel had decided to make those delicious ginger-things again. Or she had thought of a new cookie recipe to force down the Pines family's throats. Pinetree, Shooting Star, and Sixer were definitely up there, although it was weird that he couldn't hear the Old One. Oh well, maybe that lazy bum was still sleeping?

Bill finally released the door and stepped out of the glass walls. He yawned, stretched his arms, and started for the elevator on the far wall. He hit the up button on his second try and stepped into the elevator, waiting impatiently to see what Mabel was cooking up next. When the elevator finally dinged open and Bill stepped out, he realized the vending machine was locked. That meant that there was company over and Bill wasn't allowed to show himself.

So, Bill took the elevator back down went back to his glass room to try to sleep through the party upstairs. For the next twenty minutes, the former demon tossed, turned, and spun every which way before resigning himself to the fact that he wouldn't be able to sleep through. In a last-ditch attempt to fight off the noise, Bill slipped on his noise-blocking headphones, retreated into his own mind, and tried to think happy thoughts.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

 ** _Several hours later..._**

As the noise flowed around Bill, helped out by the noise-blocking headphones that Dipper gave him as an early Christmas present, Bill realized that he had run out of happy or pleasant topics to think about. Finally, after ten minutes of sheer boredom, he couldn't help but start to think about a topic that he absolutely hated. Life in the Mindscape. Sure, some parts of the stupid world were good, like that fact that there was very little commotion, but most of life in the Mindscape was deathly boring.

As Bill wandered around the Shack, he couldn't help but begin to compare the Mystery Shack's version of Christmas to the Mindscape's version of Christmas. Last Christmas, Bill had held a massive bonfire and sacrificed hundreds of humans to his appetite. This Christmas at the Shack, he definitely wouldn't get to devour anybody, and he wouldn't be making a 60-foot bonfire either.

 _Perhaps this is a good thing though?_ Bill mused. This way, he wouldn't get his bowtie and hat soaked with blood like last year. Laundry would most certainly be easier. Plus, he wouldn't be at fault for burning down the residence of Pinetree, Shooting Star, Sixer, and the Old One. He wouldn't be nearly eaten alive by his supposed "friends" either...

 _Maybe there are some benefits to this "human" Christmas,_ Bill thought. Last year, 8-Ball has tried to take a chunk out of him and Pyronica had suggested roasting him in pink flames to soften him up. Shooting Star wouldn't do that to him, plus, she couldn't summon fire at will.

And the presents were much better in the human version of Christmas too. Bill had his eye on a new set of kitchen knives that he had seen in the Gravity Falls' Mall window. If he ended up getting them, that would make a better gift than a bunch of bodies. He would finally be able to stab something again, even if it wasn't the Pines family. And on the thought of the Pines family...

They weren't too bad for a bunch of meatsacks. Sure, they had stopped his rampage and his campaign to take over the world with weirdness, but at least they weren't stupid. They were better than the rest of humanity because the great dream demon Bill Cipher was bound to one of them. At least, this is what Bill told himself. _Yeah, I like 'em a bit more than the rest of this useless planet. They're quirky, and I suppose that's cool by me,_ he thought. _My bonder is okay, his sister is okay, the Old One is okay, and I'm just going to fend off thoughts of Sixer right about now..._

Finally, Bill's mind strayed to Pinetree in an effort to stop thinking about the man that had confined him for a week.

Yes, Pinetree was alright for a meatsack. As far as those squishy things went, Pinetree was at the higher end of the intelligence scale, although his noodle arms didn't do him any favors. _Yeesh, kid. Bulk up a bit, would you?_

No, Pinetree wasn't bad at all, now that Bill seriously thought about it. If he had to choose one human in the whole universe to be bonded to for eternity, he would have chosen either Abraham Lincoln or Dipper Pines. And Ole Abe was dead, so that really only left one good meatsack.

Mason "Dipper/Pinetree" Pines.

And while Bill was really thinking, he supposed that he was glad to have Pinetree as his human. Yeah, he was really lucky. Bill finally fell asleep, dreams of Pinetree dancing in his head.

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AN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm aware that this was short and that's like a death sentence to all writers and readers, but exams are in seven days and I am panicking... the next ones probably won't be all that long either, unless my teachers decide to cut me some slack. So, until next time, MillionLights out!


	3. I Don't Know What to Get You

**Author Note: Here we are at the third story! Now, be warned, I might miss some due to exams and other junk, but I'll try my best to update every day! By the way, these stories are NOT Bipper. They are Dipper/Human!Bill friendship.**

 **~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~**

 **Disclaimer: Gravity Falls does not belong to me. It belongs to Alex Hirsch, which is evident through the fact that Bill is a yellow triangle and not a really hot demon/human.**

* * *

DECEMBER 13, 2017

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

"Pinetree! Pay attention when I ask you a question!" Bill shouted.

"What do you want? I'm busy trying to decode this page of the Journal!" Dipper snapped back.

"Pinetree! You know that I can help you with that whenever you want. But I have a big problem that I need assistance with right now! I don't know what to get you people for Christmas!"

This stopped Dipper's protests immediately and instead set off alarm bells in his head. "Bill, remember what we talked about yesterday?" he asked cautiously.

Bill rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, yes. I remember. Absolutely no gifts that involve teeth, explosions, fire, knives, blood, deer, or mysterious trips to the bathroom."

Dipper nodded. "Yes, and since I know you so well, I'm going to add nothing from Mabel Concoctions Inc. to that list. I know that unholy grin, you can't fool me again."

Bill nodded slowly and began to turn away. "Right then. I'm going to go revise this list and then bug you about it later."

Dipper, who had already gone back to his book, nodded absentmindedly. "Sure," he said.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

Bill tiptoed away from Pinetree. Rats. Everything that he had put on his first list had been ruled out by Pinetree minutes before. Now, what was he supposed to get for the Pines family? Candy canes? Toy cars? Science experiments that went "boom"? Oh, wait, that last one was on the Not Allowed List. Shoot. Bill thought hard and finally came up with the perfect idea. He would just go sneak a Christmas catalog from Mabel's room.

Bill quietly headed up the stairs to the twins' attic room. Mabel was out with Candy, Grenda, and Pacifica, so he would have a good window of about thirty minutes. The former demon put his left foot on the landing and snuck up to the twins' door. He peeped through the hole in the right side and sighed in relief when he saw that Mabel wasn't there. Not that he was nervous about anything, he just wanted to be inconspicuous.

The former demon nudged the door open and crept into the room. He walked over to Mabel's bed, got down on his knees, and fished around for one of the many Christmas catalogs that he knew the female Pines twin kept under there. Finally, he managed to grab a few and quickly retreated to the safer, downstairs floor.

As he headed down to the basement lab, Bill began to leaf through the pages of the catalogs. _What to buy, what to buy?_ Bill thought. Christmas was fast approaching, and after days of deliberation, he still didn't know what to get. Bill threw open the door of his glass room and dimmed the lights. He was going to find out what to get the Pines family even if it took him all night.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

Dinner rolled around, but Bill didn't show up to the table. Dipper was beginning to get just the littlest bit worried about Bill. Maybe he was a little bit too hard on the former demon. After all, if bombs and bloody, fresh-ripped deer teeth were Bill's first thoughts on Christmas presents, Dipper couldn't help but feel just a bit sorry for all the weird Christmases that the triangle must have experienced. Dipper decided to go down to Bill's room and apologize. As Dipper waited for the elevator to come up from the basement lab, he found his thoughts drifting to Bill's room.

 _I sure seem to be making a lot of visits down there_ , he thought. As the male Pines twin stepped into the elevator that would deliver him to Bill's room, he knew exactly what he was going to get Bill for Christmas. The elevator dinged open and Dipper stepped out. It was time to help Bill with his Christmas list.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

Bill jerked his head up from the scribbling on the sheet of paper in his lap. The bell next to his bed had gone off, signaling that someone was coming down in the elevator. If it was Mabel or Dipper, he really needed to hide the Christmas catalogs. Bill flew off his bed and began to hurriedly stuff the incriminating pieces of bound paper under his bed. Hopefully, with the way that the lights were dimmed, Mabel or Dipper or whoever wouldn't be able to see them. The former demon hopped up onto the bed, randomly picked a book off the stack on his nightstand, and tried to slow his breathing rate.

Seconds later, the elevator doors opened to reveal Dipper. "Hey, how's it going on down here? You weren't at dinner, so I got a bit worried. And by the way, you might want to return those catalogs you took from under Mabel's bed. You know how she can get sometimes."

Bill hoped that his face didn't reflect what he was feeling. How did Pinetree know that he took the catalogs? Unfortunately for him, his confusion showed and Dipper picked up on it right away.

"Bill, the top of your list reads 'Singing Doll for Mabel', and the corner of one is sticking out from under your bed. Pretty easy deduction if you ask me."

Bill gritted his teeth. "Okay, so now what? Come to poke fun at my total inability to pick 'appropriate' Christmas gifts for meatsacks?"

Dipper shook his head. "Actually, I came to find you. And if you're so worried, why don't you read the list you have to me and I'll tell you whether or not it's okay."

Bill chose to begin reading as his response. "First, a singing doll for Mabel, something science-related for you, a rare and powerful gem from the Xantos dimension for Sixer, and some body wash for the Old One. Seriously, he stinks."

Dipper had to stop himself from laughing at the last one. "Okay, those are fine. Stan needs to bathe once in a while too."

Bill carefully tucked the list away, content in the knowledge that the squishy meatsacks were okay with their presents. "Thanks for that, I suppose. Now, is there leftovers or what?"

Dipper sighed. "Yes. There's stuff in the fridge to make a sandwich. Go get yourself something, I have to get something from the Grunkle Ford's bookshelf but I'll be up soon."

Bill nodded and got into the elevator to go upstairs. He couldn't wait to make himself a salami and ketchup sandwich.

~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~

When Dipper was sure that Bill was gone, he fished out the Christmas list from underneath Bill's bed. Knowing that if the demon found him like this, Dipper wouldn't be able to see straight for months, he cast a cursory glance over the list.

On the line for Dipper, instead of the name of some weird, science gadget, were the words: _a new pine tree hat. The old one is starting to fray._

Dipper shoved the list under Bill's bed and ran into the elevator to go upstairs. The whole ride up though, he was thinking about how Bill had even bothered to notice that his hat was getting frayed. It was kind of nice.

* * *

AN: Hey! Here's the third installment of this cute little one-shot series! Hope that you all enjoyed it! Don't forget to PM me with mistakes and constructive criticism. So long for now... MillionLights out!


	4. Ruffling Pinetree's Needles

**Author Note: Here we are at the fourth story! Now, be warned, I might miss some due to exams and other junk, but I'll try my best to update every day! From now on, these things might be getting a little shorter, because exams are in four days and life isn't getting easier. By the way, these stories are NOT Bipper. They are Dipper/Human!Bill friendship.**

 **~~~~~~~OOOOOOO~~~~~~~**

 **Disclaimer: Gravity Falls does not belong to me. It belongs to Alex Hirsch, which is evident through the fact that Bill is a yellow triangle and not a really hot demon/human.**

* * *

DECEMBER 14, 2017

It was three o'clock in the afternoon, and there were no tourists in the Shack. Dipper had given up manning the gift shop and Mabel was still asleep after an epic all-night baking episode. The effects were still felt everywhere. The Shack hadn't stopped smelling like cookies for weeks, and there were no clean pans or plates. The counters were filled with cookies on plates and the Shack's residents couldn't manage to keep up with the sugary tide.

Dipper got up from his comfortable place on his bed and trekked down the stairs to get a few of the delicacies. However, when he got to the kitchen, an astonishing sight met his eyes. There was empty space on the countertops. He could actually see the cheap Formica that Grunkle Ford had used to build the kitchen. There were clean plates and clean pans that were stacked up to the ceiling and looked as if they would fall over any second.

The explanation for this miracle was currently passed out in a chair on top of the table. Bill Cipher, demon, and magic-user was apparently a cookieholic. Dipper groaned. He really didn't need this today, or ever actually. He yanked Bill out of the chair and sent them both flying across the kitchen. "Wake up, Bill!"

The former demon raised his head and groaned. "How many cookies did I eat? I feel awwwwful!" he complained. Dipper hauled the demon up onto his back and began to drag him down to the hidden elevator.

"I actually don't know how many you ate, but the packages that Mabel used made 20 cookies each. Add that to the fact that I had to take seven garbage bags to the town dump today, I'd say somewhere in the high hundreds." Dipper was trying hard not to laugh at this point. He had never seen Bill so out of it before., and this gave him a genius idea.

"C'mon Bill, help me out here. I'm going to get you to your room so that you can sleep this off. Can you at least try to walk?"

Bill's legs righted themselves shakily, and then buckled, sending he and Dipper to the floor. "Okay, bad suggestion," Dipper said, once he had gotten them both back on their feet, kinda.

Dipper got them both into the elevator, out of the elevator, and down into Ford's previous lab. The whole floor was Bill's now after Ford had moved his lab to a lower level. The male Pines twin dumped Bill on his bed inside his glass room and sat down at the end. "I have an idea, Bill," Dipper tried.

Bill threw his arm over his head. "Not again, Pinetree. The last idea that we both followed through with ended up with both of us hurt, and in the emergency room. You even got me to use some of my magic on your stupid little cuts and scrapes.

Dipper tried to rid himself of the memory. "Okay, so maybe going phoenix hunting wasn't the best idea, but this one is a good one. I promise. It's fun and we don't even have to leave that Shack for it!" he offered.

Bill took his arm from over his eyes and looked at Dipper. "If this isn't good, Pinetree, you really aren't going to be able to walk properly for a month. Continue."

Dipper took a deep breath. "What if we make a list of our Top 3 Christmas activities? Then, during the next few days or so, we can do them."

Bill shrugged. "Okay. Pens and paper are outside in one of the drawers of the small desk."

Dipper exited the glass room and weaved his way through the mess that was Bill's residence. Bent pens, broken pencils, torn scraps of paper, and books littered the floor. There were desks everywhere that held Bill's next experiment or dissection. Bookshelves that threatened to topple were propped up with metal braces, and Dipper swore that he saw a human arm with wings fluttering in one of the cages that hung from the ceiling.

"Bill, you need to clean up in here. It's a mess, and that bookshelf over there kind of looks like it's about to falls over and die." Dipper grabbed the supplies from a drawer of the smallest desk in the room and headed back to Bill's bedroom.

"Okay," Dipper said, handing a pencil and a sheet of stained paper to Bill. "Write your Top 3 Christmas activities on this. Then, in a few minutes, we'll compare them and try to find the ones that we want to do together."

The sounds of scribbling filled the small room for the next few minutes. Finally, Bill and Dipper were done with their lists. "Now let's show them to each other." The two boys exchanged lists and there was a sense of growing horror on both sides.

"Pinetree. You want to (1) bake cookies, (2) go sledding, and (3) have a Christmas scavenger hunt. Why am I not surprised with your choices?"

"Bill, there's nothing wrong with what I put on my list. Now you, however, there is something very wrong with you put on your list. You want to (1) dissect an elf, (2) dissect Santa to see what fuels his trip around the world and, (3) try to mutate a Christmas tree into an evolved type that eats presents, ornaments, and people."

Dipper put down Bill's list in disgust. "You can't try to dissect Santa or an elf! Jeez, what is WRONG with you?"

Bill shrugged. "Well, you asked what I wanted to do as a Christmas activity! I did what you said."

Dipper face-palmed. "Okay. I'm going to go get some books for you to read. Then, we'll rewrite the lists tomorrow. Okay?"

Bill shrugged again and threw his arm over his face again, signaling the end of their conversation. Dipper sprinted for the elevator and finally to his room. He grabbed all the Christmas books that he could find and got back to Bill's room. He dumped the books on Bill's nightstand. "Here. Read these," and then he left.

Bill grinned. Of course, he knew what meatsacks liked to do as Christmas activities. But it was so fun to ruffle a certain Pinetree's needles.

* * *

AN: Okay. A little bit more insight into Bil's really twisted personality. I personally can't wait to see where Bill and Dipper take me as a frantically scribble out this journey on paper with my chewed-on pen. So long for now... MillionLights out!


End file.
